Cheap Throat: Diary of a Locked-Out Hockey Player


Edited by The Barnstormer

Adapted from the breakthrough web series originally published at The Barnstormer.

A labour dispute threatens to cancel an entire season of professional hockey, laying off thousands of stadium workers and leaving hundreds of players with way too much time on their hands. One of the latter, assuming the nom de plume of Cheap Throat, decides to spend his days filling a diary.

At first, Cheap Throat’s journal entries seem nothing more than the musings of a millionaire athlete man-child, concerned only with staying in shape, playing video games, and taking shots at his colleagues. As the lockout progresses and the season seems less and less likely, however, Cheap Throat finds himself faced with the prospect of a life off the ice. As he ventures out into the world, he is denied the privilege bestowed him by the sport; his locker-room widsom and attitudes – all of it crass, much of it old-fashioned, some of it downright horrific – suddenly grates against a society that doesn’t necessarily need him. Bereft of purpose, Cheap Throat hurls himself out onto the road – like a Sal Paradise in CCMs – to find a new reason for being.

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Readers’ Praise for Cheap Throat

“Dear freakin lord that was one of the best things I have ever read in my life.”

“I think it’s high time we … just enjoy the everlasting shit out of these posts.”

“I’d totally date you.”

“(sigh) you gotta be careful where (and what) you apply (to) your genitals. Use hot water on the clay mask, and get some antibiotics.”